El Fin

Today marks the last day of my English Literature since 1800 class. I have to admit this class wasn't as grueling as I quite expected it would be. I was basing most of bias on English Literature to 1800. I have actually come to appreciate British Literature more than I had 8 weeks ago. I enjoyed most of the poems and I have always enjoyed "Frankenstein" and "Great Expectations." I think at the beginning of this class I was asked to write about what I hoped I would get out of this class. My hope was that I larded to appreciate English Literature. I can truly say that my hope came true. I'm glad that I was removed from some of my ignorance. More so that I had the opportunity to be removed from some of my ignorance. This is why I'm grateful to be able to go to college. I feel that I have learned so much from my time here. It has left me cultured and aware. It has removed my prejudices and I have gained much appreciation for other cultures.

Mrs. Dalloway

I'm closing in on the last week of my 8 week course of English Lit. Since 1800. I have to say I've been pleasantly surprised with the course. I had small expectations that I would like the literature based on the literature I read in English Lit to 1800. This read my assignment was Mrs Dalloway. It was a story focused on character development that takes place in a day. One of the characters really stuck out to me and he was Septimus. Septimus was in the war and developed "shellshock." We know shellshock today as PTSD. Septimus tries to get help but ultimately takes his own life. I had to ponder about this character a bit. I felt sorry for him. Probably because I have known soldiers with PTSD and it is a very real disorder. Fortunately (if you could call it that), more is known about the disorder today and there is medicine and therapy available today. At the time Mrs Dalloway was written, although fictional, obviously not as much was known then as it was today. My heart goes out to anyone suffering from the disorder.

Website and Poetry

This week for class I created a website based on The Garden of Love by William Blake. Please check out Seth's Website for The Garden of Love. I also read The Waste Land and The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock by T.S. Eliot. I would have to say that I enjoyed Prufrock more. I felt that the poem could easily be tweaked into a song. The first stanza of the poem reminds me of a song. I think this is why the poem is still popular today. I also read W. B. Yeats' When you are Old and James Joyces' The Dead. The poems and Joyces' short story had very much in common. The common theme to me was that life is too short. Whether it was procrastination or being an unhappy person life is too short to not be happy. I think my favorite out of the 4 works was When you are Old. The poem is about loving someone unconditional. We are all growing to grow old and our looks will fade. Beauty is truly only skin deep. Find someone you connect with that you love spending time with. Find someone who you can work with and truly be a partner with. Who says you can't learn from literature?

Great Expectations

Speaking of Expectations my appreciate of English Literature is browning. I am not a fan of early English literature but I'm liking the literature I'm reading in English Literature since 1800. This week I've been studying Great Expectations. I always loved this story and it's been great reconnecting with it over the last week. I even went back and watched the latest film adaptation. There are actually two different versions on netflix right now. There are a few stories within the story of Great Expectations. I tend to focus on the relationship between Pip and Estella. There is much psychology going on here. Estella has been trained from an early age to break the hearts of men. Pip falls into Miss Havisham's trap and falls in lust with Estella and ends up chasing her for pretty much the rest of his life. The relationship between Estella and Pip almost mirrors the relationship of Forrest Gump and Jenny. I haven't googled it yet but I bet there was some inspiration in Dickens' Great Expectations for Winston Grooms' Forrest Gump.

Victorian Period

This past week I have studied several poets from the Victorian period for my English Lit. Class. What I found interesting was this was a period of time where people began to doubt Institutional Christianity. It can be seen in the poem "The Forsaken Merman," by Matthew Arnold. In the poem the protagonist Margaret leaves her life in the sea with merman to return to religion. She has a family with the merman and seems quite happy there but wants she remembers Easter she returns to the shore. She seems that she is afraid that she will lose her soul if she remains with the merman and does to devote herself to religion. These poems and other stories were some of the only media that people had available to them so I'm sure they helped aid in this period of doubt.

Frankenstein

I've recently been studying Mary Shelley's Frankenstein. I first discovered this work when I was 7 years old. I love the horror genre and although Frankenstein has never been one of my favorites it paved the way for the my favorite works in the genre. I was not able to watch the movie's as I ran out of time. I will be going back and watching them as soon as I am able to however. The main theme of the novel that I grasped was that one shouldn't play God. The story is actually more relevant today than I'm sure Mary Shelley ever envisioned, from Stem Cell research, in vitro, and DNA replication. Victor creates life from death however unethical as it may be. Victor succumbs to his moral dilemma after his Monster is created. Victor has to pay the price for his creation. The monster begins to kill members of his family. When Victor's brother is killed Victor can't even muster up the courage to tell everyone how his brother really died. That it was the monster. For if he were to tell the truth he would be seen as responsible for the murder as the monster that carried out the murder. It's amazing that Frankenstein is still recognizable in pop cutler. There have been many films, tv shows and even songs about the creature. Every year there is at least one trick or treater that dresses up as Frankenstein. I like to think of him as the teddy bear of all monsters. He's not really that scary at least not like Dracula or the Wolfman. Not that those guys scare me but you catch my drift.

English Lit

I recently began taking English Lit since 1800. Honestly I wasn't that thrilled after taking English Lit to 1800. I was not a fan of the early English literature. Not only was it difficult to understand but I was not a fan of the content. After 2 weeks of class I enjoy the content of English Lit since 1800. I can recall reading "The Rime of the Ancient Mariner as a senior in high school and I felt a since of relief when I saw it was on the reading list for my new class. As a senior in high school I found out that Iron Maiden performed an interpretation of the poem so I went and bought the cd. This time I simply pulled up a live concert of the song. Technology sure has changed! Also on my reading list for next week is Mary Shelley's Frankenstein. I first read an adaptation of this novel in 2nd grade. I also read Phantom of the Opera and Dracula. My 2nd grade teacher told my parents she was concerned because all I read were horror novels. They may be horror but they are some of the most famous works of literature. I'm excited to read Frankenstein. I'll also watch the movie that Robert De Niro starred in. I've never seen that one. I'm not sure that it could compare to the original. 

Avolition and Song Writing

Avolition and Song Writing

By Seth Tehan

Life can only get better,

This is just a means to an end.

One day I will find my home,

Yet I have no idea when.

There are one thousand things I miss,

And one thousand things I don’t.

I suppose for now,

This is the middle of the road.

I try to play for keeps,

Which can be a limitless, lightless black hole.

One day I hope to be conquered,

The missing like will complete my soul.

The tears of victory will flow from my bloodshot eyes,

And nothing has been in vein,

And there is nothing I despise.

But I don’t have all the time in the world,

And my disease is built to kill.

The Pen is my shovel,

The Paper is my ground.

Start Digging.

Write the words,

And the Music Will come.

Hear the Sound.

Flow from the Unknown.

3-6 Months

Three to Six

White walls. I’ve been dreaming of these white walls for weeks. What happened to the Doctors offices that had magazines on display, pictures of landscapes and a jar with lollipops? I’m usually a half glass full person but sometimes a person  has that gut feeling that something is wrong.

Two weeks ago I came in for a physical and to get some blood work done. I had  been feeling lackadaisical, burnt out and I’ve had no drive to do anything for at least the last six months. I received the call two days ago from Doctor Ross to ask me to come in. He told me that he had the results from the blood work back from the lab and that he needed to see me in person to give me the results. I didn’t ask any questions. I’ve gone back over the phone call in my mind a hundred times. Maybe I should have asked some questions. I haven’t slept much in the last 48 hours. I don’t want to die but I almost want the attention. I just want to know what’s wrong with me.

I could hear the Dr. right outside the door talking with the head nurse for what seemed like 20 minutes when in turn it was only about 2. I tried to imagine what look he would have on his face when he entered the room. I felt that I would know from the look he gave and that would put all the assumptions to rest.

Finally the door opened to a man that I had known for the past 35 years. A man that had delivered me, sewn me up a few times, suggested I go to rehab, and told me I would never have children.

I saw the look on his face. I couldn’t get a read on him. He wasn’t sad or happy or really anything. He had that same stone cold look he always had. He didn’t ask me how I was immediately. He pulled out a chair and placed it right in front of me and sat down.

“Steven,” he said in a stern voice. “How are you?”

“Honestly Sir…How bad is it?” I replied.

“Ok. Right down to business huh?” He said in an understanding tone.

“Stage 4. Liver Cancer. It appears that all the drinking and drugging you did to yourself 10 years ago has caught up with you now. There’s treatments we can do but you probably have 3-6 months to live.”

I probably did not have the normal reaction that most terminal people would have given the news. I felt relief, excitement, and anxiety. I wondered what I was going to tell everyone. I had already rehearsed it in my head over and over. I felt like my life had purpose. I wasn’t going to die I was going to beat this. I now had a reason to move everything out of my life that I did not want there. I was a survivor I always had been and I would not stop now.

“Steven,” Dr. Ross said.

I had been in my own world for a little while and had completely zoned out. I do that sometimes.

“Well. I was right,” I said as tears came to my eyes.

“You know when you just have that feeling?” Dr. Ross nodded.

“Somehow when you called my personally is when I knew something was wrong. You’ve been my Dr. for years and have never called me personally. I guess I need some time to process. I’ll do the treatments if you think they will help. I’ll beat this Dr. I know I will. I have as strong of a feeling that I will beat this as my assumption that I had cancer.”

“That’s the right attitude son,” he said.

“But you need to know this is an advanced case and the treatments will not be pleasant.”

“I know.” I replied. “Well if that’s it then I thank you for seeing me and I need to tell my family.”

Now any normal person might call their loved ones with their first phone call. But I’ve never felt normal and don’t want anything to do with normal.

I dialed the number and anticipated the call I’d been wanting to make for a long time.

“Jim, it’s Steve,” I said with a deep breath. “Look, I want to thank you for everything you have done for me and for keeping me on the past few years. But I’m not going to be coming back in. It’s not working and it hasn’t been working for quite some time. I won’t be coming in anymore. I know it’s unprofessional but I won’t be giving my two weeks either. Thanks.”

I opened the car door and sat and smiled for a moment. I put the car into drive and began thinking. I had been miserable at my job. I had wanted to quit for months and now I finally had the excuse. Given the circumstances I should feel down on my luck. I had just received news that I was dying. But I had never felt more full of life. Starting today I would be able to live how I wanted to live, to do the things I had always wanted to do and to make peace with life. I was going to take on all the projects that I had been putting off for years, I was going to go visit my grandmother, and I was going to go on a surf trip I had been meaning to take.

I pulled up into the driveway as I had many times but this time was different. I went straight to my studio and picked up the guitar and a pad and pen and began to finish the song I had started on nearly three years ago.

300 Writing Prompts #2

What is your favorite work of art? What do you love about it?

My favorite work of art is my favorite album, Nirvana's In Utero I remember when the single "All Apologies" came out on radio. This was back in the day when I used to record the radio via tape. I actually miss those days. I played that song over and over and I wanted the album. I'll never forget the day we were at Wal-Mart and my Mother asked the store clerk if "this" was appropriate for children. I held my breath and clenched my fists as I waited for a reply from the Clerk. "Yes, it is inappropriate for children." I still can't believe the guy said that all these years later. But maybe that plays into my appreciation of the album. The desire I had to have that album was now even greater thanks to the Square Clerk at Wal-Mart.

The album is just so raw. The techniques Steve Albini used to record are a work of art themselves. There's no album in my opinion  that rivals the sound of Dave's drums on In Utereo (the intro to "Scentless Apprentice" creates an orgasm in the earhole). I've owned the album at least 5 times and I'll always listen to it and it will I'm sure always be my favorite. It's just an album unlike any other. It really makes you wonder what was in store for this band. But I guess you can't go out with a better album.

The Painting is over

After much procrastination I've about finished my home studio so I can begin recording. I'm trying to pick out the perfect song to start with. I'm thinking of one that I wrote about New York City a few years back. It's pretty simple, just some acoustic guitar and some mild electric leads. I'll have to sequence the drums using Logic Pro but that shouldn't be too bad. Recording can be tedious at times, only because I'm so impatient and I want a finished product NOW! I've seen some really good films this week including: The Revenant, Tender Mercies and Let me In. I'm trying to pay closer attention and really analyze the film as I'm watching instead of just...watching. I'm looking forward to beginning my screenplays for school this semester. I've got quite a few ideas but like recording the project usually takes on a mind of it's own when I sit down and begin to work on it. It's interesting the correlation between recording and screenwriting. In recording you have this idea and a basic structure of the song but when you recorded it you add little fills and other instruments. Screenwriting tends to be a lot like that because you start to see things that weren't there in the beginning. You begging to write things down and the scenes become more clearer and you get a lot of new ideas when you're typing away.

300 Writing Prompts #1

This past year for Christmas my girlfriend gave me a book with the title "300 Writing Prompts" on the front cover. There is no author to be found. The moment I unwrapped it I was very pleased because this is a well though out gift. The book consists of ideas to break out of writers block and get creativity flowing. I had originally thought of journaling in the book but I thought what better way to add to my blog then to put these thoughts and ideas out into cyber space.

#1 What is your favorite way to spend a lazy day?

I suppose the key word here is lazy. It seems that I'm constantly busy whether it's work, working on the house, doing charity work, school or other creative projects that I have going on. A lot of it just seems like work. When I'm not working it seems that I always have projects at home to work on. I'm currently typing this blog while I'm covered in paint. I'm painting the spare bedroom and I'm in between coats. The room is going to be my home recording studio. I have so many songs to record it's ridiculous and sometimes it feels like work. My muse couldn't be pleased with me right now. So aside from work, school and home repairs I have so many creative projects to get to. It can be quite overwhelming at times. But as far as how I like to spend a lazy day? I suppose it would be watching movies or playing video games. I would love to have one day where I did nothing but set the day aside to just play video games. I just feel kinda guilty if I do that because there are so many projects to be done. I do plan on having a few lazy days this summer by the pool (when it's fixed).

It's been awhile...

I guess it's been a few years since I was last on the blog. I'm not going to catch you up with what has been going on in my life because that seems to cliché and scripted. What I will say is I've been pondering my life in the last few weeks and weighing out what really matters. Life is short.